I wouldn't say I'm even half way a little bothered either. I mean it is what it is honestly. Anywho long story made short I had "met" someone. Things were okay till I realized that she really only "needed" and "wanted" me b/c she was lonely.
Like my intuitions said, ask her if all of this is in vain. I didn't though. I usually always follow my intuitions but this time I didn't. I know now that I should have :-/. Like I'm NOT in any shape or form lonely however it would be nice to have someone by my side and to talk to.
I will reiterate this over, and over if I have to I will NOT settle. I want someone to WANT me not NEED me, that's not healthy to me. Let me break this down further before people misread what I am trying to say. There is a way to need someone and not live off of every waking moment with or without them. Then there is the I guess you can say, the "light" version of I need you which is usually followed by more words to show said affection.
Now, I've been on both sides of that trust me, I've lived in, around and on the word need. The very last time I lived IN the word need. It was sickening, just being honest that was the most unhealthy 4 or 5 months of my life. I don't really want to get off subject but this whole situation is still a part of me past or not it's involved in my present. Just for the simple fact I live by this mistake, so it won't happen again. So as I was saying I had an ex that came to live with me b/c my heart is big and I really felt sorry for her. Well with her I was all that she had and she NEEDED me in every sense of the word. Emotionally, mentally and physically draining. Like, it affected my other relationships outside of whatever it was we had going. Then when she started meeting people I thought it had gotten better for the most part but it really didn't. She wasn't working, wasn't trying to find work and she stayed gone just chilling most of the time. While I was at work, that wasn't even cool I'm not going to go into further incidents but, when it was over I was happier. However, I felt like I had lost a part of me IN her when she left b/c I gave so much of myself that it's gone forever.
That situation also affects me negatively to today, I don't let people in and I refuse to feel the way I felt with that girl. Like at first it was cool, you know we were in like/ then love or should I say lust. Yeah lust will get you sucked in and blinded by the truth. It's a big fear of mine, that's why the people I have talked to haven't really got "IN" so to speak. I think it's out there and it's possible to be in love, completely submerged in love [In the healthy way]. To have a connection completely in every shape or form is what I yearn for. These fly by night talking/dating things shyt is for the birds. I'm too old for this, so if I don't "get" someone that is doing stuff with their life and doesn't really NEED me, I will be just fine being single.
I will let you know this though, even with the bad experiences, good ones, sad ones I am just happy that I have lived in love, and passion so I felt what that feels like. To experience it again would be beautiful, if it doesn't I'll be just fine without it. It has happened though & that's what matters.
