Sunday, September 19, 2010



Free

I wanna go to the only place I feel free...
No expectations,
No rules,
Just me,
music my pen & my pad.
No rumble in the jungles
or fire engines roaring when
the street is soundless.

I want to be able to put my toes in the sand
and wade or swim in the water.
I want to be able to explore this
oh so perfect world
No worries,
No bills,
No expectations.

I want to be able to make
passionate love from when night falls
to the sunrising and rays
glistening off of our bodies.
I want to feel pure and utter bliss
for this reality I would dismiss
for one chance at doing this.

Maybe not permanently,
but temporarily.
Maybe with that I'd appreciate my
reality more and cherish the time
I have in both places...

I'd like to be able to bring back souvenirs
and talk about all the drinks I had
and other care free
nonchalant people I see.
All the laughs that consisted at the
literal happy hour.

I want to go where nobody knows me
and everytime I go back
There would be new people
That hadn't seen me before...
I explore this magical place
in my slumber.
Do you want to go with me?
....If so....take a number.

Abstrakt 2010 ©

Saturday, September 18, 2010

[Dear Life]

I understand you now. I know why things have happened, and I know why things didn't. I know why May 10th 2003 changed my life forever. I now know why 05-02-09 was when I thought shoulda,coulda wouldas really existed.

I'm thankful for everyday that was a regret just for the simple fact that I can look back and talk about it. Possibly laugh at it. I thank you for bringing wonderful people into my life, and taking the negative ones out. I thank you for giving me chances on my own personal fuck ups that I rather not share. I'm thankful for you throwing those curve balls that I knocked out of the way everytime. I thank you for the obstacles also, after all nothing in life is easy. I thank you for teaching me about forgiveness but never forgetting. I thank you for breathing life into me, so I paid it forward and breathed life into another [my sun-shines-consistently]. It could have been a whole lot worse along the way...but nonetheless I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Sincerely,

Abs

So once again I find myself questioning everything.


I wouldn't say I'm even half way a little bothered either. I mean it is what it is honestly. Anywho long story made short I had "met" someone. Things were okay till I realized that she really only "needed" and "wanted" me b/c she was lonely.

Like my intuitions said, ask her if all of this is in vain. I didn't though. I usually always follow my intuitions but this time I didn't. I know now that I should have :-/. Like I'm NOT in any shape or form lonely however it would be nice to have someone by my side and to talk to.
I will reiterate this over, and over if I have to I will NOT settle. I want someone to WANT me not NEED me, that's not healthy to me. Let me break this down further before people misread what I am trying to say. There is a way to need someone and not live off of every waking moment with or without them. Then there is the I guess you can say, the "light" version of I need you which is usually followed by more words to show said affection.
Now, I've been on both sides of that trust me, I've lived in, around and on the word need. The very last time I lived IN the word need. It was sickening, just being honest that was the most unhealthy 4 or 5 months of my life. I don't really want to get off subject but this whole situation is still a part of me past or not it's involved in my present. Just for the simple fact I live by this mistake, so it won't happen again. So as I was saying I had an ex that came to live with me b/c my heart is big and I really felt sorry for her. Well with her I was all that she had and she NEEDED me in every sense of the word. Emotionally, mentally and physically draining. Like, it affected my other relationships outside of whatever it was we had going. Then when she started meeting people I thought it had gotten better for the most part but it really didn't. She wasn't working, wasn't trying to find work and she stayed gone just chilling most of the time. While I was at work, that wasn't even cool I'm not going to go into further incidents but, when it was over I was happier. However, I felt like I had lost a part of me IN her when she left b/c I gave so much of myself that it's gone forever.
That situation also affects me negatively to today, I don't let people in and I refuse to feel the way I felt with that girl. Like at first it was cool, you know we were in like/ then love or should I say lust. Yeah lust will get you sucked in and blinded by the truth. It's a big fear of mine, that's why the people I have talked to haven't really got "IN" so to speak. I think it's out there and it's possible to be in love, completely submerged in love [In the healthy way]. To have a connection completely in every shape or form is what I yearn for. These fly by night talking/dating things shyt is for the birds. I'm too old for this, so if I don't "get" someone that is doing stuff with their life and doesn't really NEED me, I will be just fine being single.
I will let you know this though, even with the bad experiences, good ones, sad ones I am just happy that I have lived in love, and passion so I felt what that feels like. To experience it again would be beautiful, if it doesn't I'll be just fine without it. It has happened though & that's what matters.